


Somebody To Love

by Andyoudidthisforwhat



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Female Reader, Fluff, Happy Ending, Insecure Spencer Reid, Love, M/M, Spoilers, Unrequited Crush, fem!reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29081241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andyoudidthisforwhat/pseuds/Andyoudidthisforwhat
Summary: 5 times Spencer Reid had crushes that didn’t work out + the 1 time it did (aka it worked out with You.)!Spoilers for Season 8 and 11!
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid, Maeve Donovan/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69





	Somebody To Love

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, I’m back from my very long hiatus. This is super angsty but it gets really fluffy and cute and happy and all that eventually. Just a fair warning, some of y’all might not like the way I see the situation with Maeve but I have to write it like I see it. Its not too controversial though so I think y’all will prolly just look past it if you disagree. Anyways, I hope y’all like this.

Number 1: Lilly Gibson. 

Spencer Reid had his first true crush at the age of twelve. He was simply just a small, shy child stuck in the hell of a Las Vegas high school but his misery was lessened every-time he sat eyes on Lilly Gibson. A freshman girl in his gym and art class, only two years older than him despite the fact he was a senior. She was a pretty little blonde girl. He’d never spoken to her but he’d seen her from a far and that was enough. She was friendly to everyone, she was clearly popular but didn’t seem like the mean girl type of popular. No, he didn’t know much about her but when you’re a twelve year old boy who’s just starting to notice girls in general, looks alone will cause a crush.

Spencer wanted to talk to her, truly, but he couldn’t find enough courage to. He was awkward. Probably the most awkward person in that school. He never talked to anyone really, not even friends because he simply didn’t have any friends. The only time anyone spoke to him was when they picked him as their victim for bullying. Trying to start a conversation with someone felt like pure hell, it gave him too much anxiety. He never knew how to approach someone or what to talk about. His mind would never let go of the million worries of being weird, getting made fun of, or completely burdening someone with his presence. With girls though, especially the one he liked, it was much too overwhelming. 

Spencer liked her a lot though. He really wanted to figure out how to talk to her. He always scolded himself because with that big brain of his, he should be able to think of a way to approach a girl. It took him about two months but he finally decided one night on a solution to his problem. He was going to compliment her, he was just gonna wing it, he’d just be himself. That’s what works for other people. Everyone else makes it look so easy, so why should he over-complicate it? So the next day, he was going to compliment her in their gym class.

His plan horribly back fired though. At the end of class, he caught up to Lilly who was walking out the gym doors with her friends. Spencer was a bit shaky and definitely nervous but he’d built up enough bravery to finally do this. 

“H-hi Lilly.” He tapped on her shoulder softly and she turned around. “I-I just uh wanted to tell you that you look really pretty today.” 

“Thanks.” She said with no emotion and her friends started laughing. 

“Do you have a crush on her or something, Spencer?” One of the girls with her asked amused. 

He pondered for a moment on what to say and then decided that for once in his life, he wasn’t going to be a coward. He was going to do the manly thing and admit it.

“Yeah. I do.” He said with false confidence yet he still swallowed nervously. He immediately regretted his decision when the whole group busted out laughing.

“I’ll pass on that one.” Lilly rolled her eyes and laughed in his face before walking away, while the whole group gossiped about what just happened. 

The poor little things heart shattered into a million pieces. As much as he wanted to cry in that moment, he held his tears back. He looked down at his feet the whole way to his next class, not looking up a singular time. He wished he’d never said anything at all. He couldn’t undo what he did but he could make sure that he didn’t attempt to did something that stupid again. 

Number 2: Jennifer Jareau

It was just a little one. Nothing too serious but still with a little push from Gideon, it was worth it enough for him to pursue. Spencer didn’t think it was obvious but there wasn’t much of anything someone could hide from Gideon. The man was practically a mind reader. 

Reid found himself fond of her. JJ intimidated him quite a bit but it was only because she was so beautiful and kind to him. Most of the time girls who look like that were mean girls. Though he didn’t like to use the word, in his experience those hot blondes were always straight up  bitches . Miss Jennifer Jareau was not. She was always so sweet to him and he could never figure out why. He’d been in the bureau for around two years but hadn’t gotten very close to her. He always found himself being awkward (more so than usual) when she’d talk to him.

Spencer truly did want to get to know her. As much as he hesitated to admit it, he didn’t want to just know her has a coworker, he was definitely interested in going on a date. So when Gideon handed him those tickets, it was a blessing. 

Reid had never been on a date so he wasn’t exactly sure what he was supposed to do on one. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to ask JJ out either. When he finally got the courage to do it, he could barely get his words out, couldn’t make eye contact, and kept on stuttering. In his head he was scolding himself for messing it up so bad badly but those thoughts stopped when he heard her say yes. He was hit with instant relief and excitement. 

That planned date was an absolute failure though. JJ hadn’t even seen it as a date and to make it even worse, she brought Garcia along. She talked to Garcia way more than she did him. He didn’t mind though. He wasn’t exactly in a chatty mood when he realized she had no interest. He was mad at her, not at all, he was upset with himself. Though he seemed fine on the outside, the whole first half of the game his mind was racing with thoughts of pure self hatred. He felt as if he was pure trash. He spent the remainder of it trying to calm himself down so he wouldn’t go into a panic attack. 

When Morgan was questioning him about at work, it nearly sent him back into that bad mindset. Especially since the person asking was the biggest ladies man to ever exist. Even though Spencer didn’t say it was bad, he was sure his refusal to talk about it made Morgan assume it was. It was utterly humiliating. He cursed his stupid eidetic memory because every time he looked at her for the next few days, he was reminded of the “date”, when all he wanted to do was forget. Yet every single second of it was burned into his mind permanently and so vividly that it’s like he’s reliving it.

Number 3: Lila Archer 

His first kiss. Granted he was a lot older than the age when most people have theirs, it was still amazing and left him star struck. The moment he met Lila, he was immediately in awe. An amazingly sexy and beautiful movie star who was actually incredibly nice to him. It seemed like a dream. He definitely had the hots for her and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t turned on when he seen her in a swimsuit those few times. 

When she pushed herself on to him in that pool, it was like his dreams came true. Surges of pure bliss ran through his body. Yet his worries took over him, he was panicking about how inappropriate it was for him to be making out with a girl while on the job. It’s even worse considering he was making out with a victim. Then there was his insecurities crawling to the surface about her not actually liking him, it would make perfect sense to be attracted to someone simply because they’re protecting you. Lila made those worried go away though, she assured him it was fine, everything was fine. She managed to relax him for a bit. He was constantly wound up tightly, even worse than usual in that moment, but she made him let loose. It was a nice feeling. 

When Lila rested her cheek on his hand and asked to stay in touch beforehe left, his heart swelled. It was finally happening. He finally found someone who liked him. Spencer’s mind wouldn’t let go of it for days. His brain was filled entirely with thoughts of her. When Morgan tried to talk sense in to him and tell him it wasn’t going to work out, he ignored it completely. He thought Morgan was foolish, maybe jealous of him even. It was completely ridiculous to “let it go”. Spencer finally had a chance, a real chance at love. He was most certainly not going let it get away. 

He realized later that he should’ve listened. It was long after the case ended when he first tried to contact her. No response. He tried again week after week. Texts and calls both, just leaving little messages saying he hopes she’s doing well and that he’d like to catch up with her. Not once did he ever hear anything back. 

Eventually he gave up, realizing he wasn’t ever going to get a response. Lila clearly wanted nothing to do with him. It stung. It cut a little deeper than all his past rejections because he really saw potential. She made him believe she was genuinely interested in him. It was too good to be true, he should’ve realized from the beginning. Nothing that good ever happens to Spencer Reid. Every time on of the team members asked about her after that, he quickly shut it down. He never told the truth, it was too humiliating and he didn’t need another reason for everyone to make fun of him or even worse, pity him. 

Number 4: Maeve Donovan

This one was complex and tragic. She was supposed to be the one. Spencer Reid never believed in fate until he found Maeve. Fate brought them together, they were supposed to be together. It shouldn’t have ended that way and he’d never quit blaming himself.

Spencer was completely, totally, one hundred percent in love with Maeve. He admired her in every way, shape, and form. He didn’t care that he didn’t know what she looked like. He knew she was perfect for him. Everything about this woman was perfect. She was an angel on earth. Kind, intelligent, interesting, and when he finally got the chance to see her, he saw she was beautiful. She was truly the definition of “beautiful inside and out.” 

When the gunshot fired, his entire world came tumbling down. He was broken. Broken into a million, tiny pieces and nothing was left. Every trauma he’d ever been through was no where near comparable to this. Spencer was like a glass that had been dropped over the years, getting more and more cracks in it as time went on. This time though, it wasn’t a crack. It was his breaking point.

He watched his love, the woman he believed was his soulmate, get violently murdered in front of him. He watched the bullet go straight through her. He watched her blood pour out of her head and form a pool on the ground. He saw her body turn cold and lifeless in one sudden moment. He was never going to fully recover from that. Though nobody could ever forget seeing something has horrid as that, he truly would be reliving it every time Maeve crossed his mind. He’d have every slight detail of that event burned in to his memory for eternity. It’d haunt him, no, torture him for the rest of his life. He didn’t believe he’d ever recover. 

The team’s hearts broke along with his. They’d never understand what he was going through (besides Hotch) but that didn’t make them any less sympathetic. They knew though that Spencer would have been equally as broken if she lived, just in a different way. Everyone else on the team could see it but they wouldn’t ever say a word. His heart wouldn’t be able to handle it, that is if he even accepted it, he’d most likely be in pure denial and have a burning anger for anyone who suggested it. So nobody ever spoke of it. Everything was suspicious from the moment they were told Spencer had a girl friend who he’d never met. When they learned about her ex-fiancé though, it made a little more sense.

Spencer was in over his head. His sense of love was created from a perfect image of a girl he’d never truly gotten to know, who he only called once a week, who he never even laid eyes on till just before her death. He was infatuated with a woman who was real but the way he thought of her stemmed mainly from imagination. Spencer was far more in love with the idea of Maeve, the idea of love itself, than he was with her. Because how could he truly love a woman he didn’t know? He was blind to it but they were not. They knew it was better to let him keep feeling this way rather than doing more damage by trying to wake him up. 

They also knew he was more invested than she was. They picked up on the truth quickly. The team knew she was still in love with her fiancé. They would’ve gotten back together, they never wanted to split in the first place, it was forced by Diane. The team knew why she was in a relationship with Spencer though her heart belonged to someone else, it was plain as day. She’d been alone with no contact for months and there’s an opportunity for entertainment and company in the form of love struck man. She needed social interaction. It didn’t make her a bad person, anyone else in her situation would have done the same. She liked him but he wasn’t the man she loved. Because how could she love a man she’s never met more than the one she spent years with and nearly married? It was clear to the team that the phone booth relationship wasn’t that serious to her, but that doesn’t change that it was to Spencer. He’d never been so attached to someone in his life. 

The day Maeve Donovan died, a part of Spencer did too.

Number 5: Derek Morgan 

This one was different. It didn’t compare to the others in any way, shape, or form. It was completely unique. These feelings had been brewing since he was young and first joined the BAU. After Morgan had adjusted to Reid’s oddities and took him under his wing, it wasn’t long until Reid grew a special type of attachment to him. 

When it all started, before they even had gotten close, Spencer couldn’t decipher what he was feeling. Well, he never really could figure out his own emotions that well in general but this time he really couldn’t. The young man wasn’t sure at all, it was foreign to him. With all of his intelligence, he scolded himself for not understanding the strange emotions his coworker gave him. 

Two years go by. They’re best friends. That’s what Spencer starts to think it is. He’d never had a best friend before. Truthfully, he’d never really had any friends at all until he joined the team. That’s what it was, he was dead set on it. Morgan introduced him to friendship, to brotherhood, that’s what these new, strange feelings are. With every case, every night out, every joke, every deep talk, every single moment, the bond between them grew closer. The years keep going by and Spencer thinks of him as family. Other than his mom, he’s sure that Morgan is the person he loves most. 

It started to occur to Reid slowly that his love was not just platonic. There was certainly an underlying attraction. It’d come out at random times through intrusive thoughts, ones that Spencer would scold himself for having. He’d find himself staring at Morgan on occasions, thinking about how attractive he is. He’d tell himself it was only because he wanted to look that way, that’s all, no deeper meaning. He sometimes found himself desperate for his approval or craving his touch. In denial, he convinced himself it was because he had no one else, he was just a lonely loser so it makes sense, right? Reid couldn’t control the butterflies he sometimes got in his tummy when they shared intimate moments. It was just nervousness, he gets nervous a lot so it’s not biggie. He had no excuse though when he let his mind wonder to what it’d be like to lock lips with the other man. Spencer had no excuse for the times he’d start to get aroused by his coworker. He had no excuse for the jealousy he felt when he heard the numerous stories of Morgan’s hook ups, how he wished it was him that Morgan would touch and make love to. 

It was difficult. He wasn’t sure what to do with his new self discovery. Spencer already felt odd enough, he felt like he was a complete freak in the eyes of everyone around him. He panicked when he realized he was bisexual, he didn’t want to have yet another label to set him apart from others. That wasn’t the only difficult part of this. The man he admired so much was his best friend. His best friend who happened to be very much straight. It was all just one big mess of turmoil inside of Spencer, and he couldn’t do anything but try to lock it up, deep down inside of him and throw away the key. He decided he would take it to the grave. 

It worked. At rare instances, those feeling would resurface but Spencer knew how to push them back down. He had control. He never let it take him over. Until Savanna. When she came along, Spencer knew right away she was the one, the only one Derek Morgan has ever loved and will ever love. The way Derek looked at her, spoke about her, everything. Derek was truly in love with this woman, yet Spencer was in love with him. 

He never acted out of jealousy. Savanna was a beautiful, kind, amazing woman. She was absolutely perfect and there’s no way Reid couldn’t like her. He knew she was perfect for Derek. He knew he was happy and that’s what mattered. It still hurt though. There were nights when he couldn’t push those feelings down so he laid in his bed, silently crying himself to sleep. He never let anyone else see his pain. He never let it manifest to that point until the day Derek said goodbye. The walls broke, he couldn’t hold it in. He was loosing everything. His best friend was going to be gone and even more than that, the man he’d spent so long desiring, would never want him back. When Morgan found him in tears, he never admitted that it was more than just him leaving the job. He never admitted his true feelings. For all Derek Morgan knows, the I love you Spencer said to him was merely platonic. He’d never know the deeper meaning behind it. 

Number 6: You

He meant to hate you. When Spencer heard that they found a replacement for Morgan, his entire being was filled dread, with pure resentment. In the two weeks leading up to your arrival, he had constant thoughts of how much he hated you. How he didn’t want you join. How you would never be able to live up to Morgan or fill his spot, he’d never let you get the chance. Sure you were going to replace him in the aspect of fulfilling his work duties, but you could never replace his friendship. 

Spencer didn’t even know you yet but he knew you’d never compare. He hated the thought of you having the audacity to join the team, the fact that Hotch had the audacity to even hire a new agent. Reid settled on it. He wasn’t going to let you think you have a place on this team, he wasn’t going to be nice to you, he wasn’t going to even acknowledge your existence. He decided all he was going to do was despise you from a distance. With each day that neared closer to you starting, he felt more and more dread. More anger. When that day finally came, he couldn’t have been in a worse mood.

But when he laid his eyes on you for the first time, his mind completely changed. There you were, standing next to Hotch. A beautiful, young girl with a bright smile whose eyes were full of nothing but excitement. Just by looking at you he could tell how eager you were to be there. Spencer was never one to understand the whole “vibe” thing but he finally did when he saw you. It was like you had an aura of positivity and glee surrounding you that spread to everyone else. 

“This Dr. Y/N Y/L/N, and these are agents Prentiss, Rossi, Jareau, Dr. Lewis, and Dr. Reid. Dr. Y/L/N will be joining us as a member of this team. I expect you all to give her a warm welcome.” Hotch said with a slight smile introducing you. It was a rare sight. Spencer assumed he must be fond of you already. 

“You guys can just call me Y/N, it’s so great to finally meet you all.” You beamed. You were so bubbly, sweet even. Yet you weren’t at all childlike, the way you carried yourself was still professional and full of confidence. 

Spencer was frozen in place, studying you. He watched you interact with the rest of the team, your curled, Y/H/C hair bouncing up and down as you moved. You were animated and obviously outgoing. It was clear that everyone else immediately liked you. He heard you speaking with Emily and JJ and listens to you compliment them on how beautiful they were. It wasn’t fake. You were being genuine, you were kind. He listened to you laugh while speaking with Rossi. It was such a pretty laugh, Spencer never knew laughing could sound pretty but yours sure did. The more he observed you, the more he realized that couldn’t hate you. Not at all.

“Hi! I’d introduce myself but Hotchner already did. ” You giggled sweetly. He’d been zoned out and hadn’t even realized that you came up to him until you spoke. His face started to turn pink.

“Uh, y-yeah, hi. I-I’m Dr. Spencer Reid.” He stuttered shyly and unconsciously started playing with his hair. 

“I’ve been so excited to meet you, oh my gosh, I’ve heard so much about you. Are you really like a super genius?” 

He was taken back by your statement. You were excited to meet him? Why in gods name would anyone be excited to meet him? As confused as it made him, it also made him feel incredibly good. He couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear.

“Yeah, I-I guess you could say that. I, uh, have an IQ of 187 and I can read 20,000 words per minute, so I um, I guess that’s an accurate statement.” He was completely flustered at this point, blushing, stammering, and all. 

“Holy fucking shit. I guess you really do live up to your reputation then.” You were about to continue speaking until Hotch called you up to his office. “Looks like he needs me, so I guess I’ll talk to you later. So nice to meet you though.” 

“Yeah, you too.” He said quietly as you walked away. For the first time in a very, very long time, he felt butterflies going crazy in his tummy. 

He failed the mission he had set for himself. He was right about one thing though, you weren’t comparable to Morgan even though it wasn’t in a bad way like he’d expected. To be fair, he did assume you were going to be a man. His inaccurate assumption was that you were going to walk in and be a big, tough, alpha male who was an off brand Derek. Spencer was wrong in every way. While you were still clearly an alpha, you were a pretty, kind, and very young girl with stars in her eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to dislike you at all. 

As time went on, you started to be friends. Spencer was really awkward and shy around you for the first few months, god he always hated how awkward he was. You didn’t though. You didn’t mind at all. You never minded when he went on his little tangents, you always let him go on as long as he’d like. You never judged him for his oddities or made him feel weird. He appreciated that. It’s what made him start to grow comfortable around you.

More months flew by and the next thing you knew, you were best friends. You called each other late at night, roomed with each other on cases, hung out all the time outside of work. You teased him all the time, always braided his hair when you were bored, and gave him a million nicknames. One of them was puppy and he was always so confused as to why you called him that (even after you explained to him it was because of his big puppy dog eyes). You learned all of Spencer’s favorite books and foods, you even knew his coffee order and brought him one in the mornings. You became the closest friend he’d ever had. You confided in him with all of your secrets and insecurities, he did the same with you. He was you shoulder to cry on and you were his biggest supporter. He told you everything there possibly was to know about him. You understood him. For the first time in his life he had someone who actually understood. 

Reid had a tiny crush on you from the beginning, but eventually he became completely enamored with you. He loved how smart you were and how you were eager to learn about everything you could. He loved how funny you were, always making him laugh. He loved how patient you were and how you were somehow gentle yet feisty simultaneously.He loved that you treated him like he was a human being, not some robot or baby. You made him feel a way that no one ever had before. He was on hundred sure he loved you. He swore to himself that he’d never tell though. He’d never breathe a word because what you had was too perfect to ever mess up. That along with the fact that his heart would never be able to handle the rejection. He accepted the fact that things would always platonic, he wasn’t meant for a relationship or love and he learned to be okay with it. Or so he thought. 

“Spence, wait up.” He heard you call out to him as he was standing by the elevator, about to go home for the day. You did a cute little half run in an attempt to hurry over to him. “I’ve got a question.”

“Ask away.” 

“Do you have plans for tonight?” You asked as the two of you stepped in to the elevator.

“No, why? Do you want to hang out?” Spencer replied nonchalantly. 

“Yeah, I um, was actually wondering if you’d... I don’t know, maybe want to go to dinner with me?” You were nervous and it was odd. You rarely ever get like that. You’d asked him to dinner plenty of times and he’d never seen you be nervous about it. Actually scratch that, you weren’t just nervous, you seemed almost scared. Reid was utterly confused.

“Yeah...that’s fine.” His voice hinted his confusion and you picked up on it immediately. You paused for a moment to gather enough courage to spit your words out. 

“As a date. I mean do you wanna go on a date with me tonight, Spence?” 

He looked like a deer caught in headlights. It caught him completely off guard. After a moment, his face lit up in pure bliss. 

“Yeah, I’d love to.” Reid said excitedly with the biggest smile on his face.

“Yay!” You said and then suddenly leaned in to kiss him. He felt like he was in heaven the second your lips hit his. You pulled away, as much as he wished you didn’t. “I’ll pick you up at seven.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are very much appreciated! Also, my next fic is finally going to be one with no angst (practically a first for me lmao) and is actually gonna be more so a funny/fluffy story, so look out for it. :)


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